Thursday, September 29, 2005

Numbness Awakening

Several years ago, when I was eighteen, I had my wisdom teeth cut out. Before they began the procedure, I was knocked out. There was the gas, then the IV, then I was gone. The last thing I remembered was my effort to convince the nurses that I was older than 14. They thought it a little early for my wisdom teeth to have come in. When I woke up, the procedure was over, and thanks to medication, I felt no pain. When the pain did arrive, I had medication. I recovered in just a couple days.
Mel Gibson's "Braveheart" came out two or three years later. I went out and saw it as soon as I could. It was amazingly powerful. After seeing it, I walked around for about half an hour and realized I was just starting to feel again. Literally, numbness had taken over: not from the lenghth of the movie or the way I sat. My mind shut my body down due to the intensity of the images portrayed on the screen. I was overwhelmed with emotion and my body responded. It was an odd sensation, to feel again physically after an emotional overload.
Over the past several weeks, I have experienced the semblance of a numbed existence. It has not been through events that have affected me directly, but rather the impact of tragedy on others: the catastrophes of the storms and their effects. From Katrina to Rita and all the nightmarish images in between. All the names, blames, and rhetoric that surrounded these devastating events that have rocked our nation in so many unbelievable ways. I have felt pity, heartbreak, distress, grief, astonishment and awe. I have felt useless, helpless and castrated. I have questioned without answer. I have stood amazed, watching as the nation responded with an outpooring of immense generosity and love.
There has been much talk surrounding these events. The questions and accusations of the governments and peoplea at all levels. In all of this we question the very fabric of life in the United States. Things have been uncovered that many would like to remain ignorant of. How could we allow such poverty to exist witihin our boundaries? How could it possibly be so easy for any of our cities to go from modern and civilized to barbaric and uncontrolled so quickly?
There are ponderances of those without a faith in God and many differing views of those who do hold to belief in God. Has God brought His wrath down upon a sinful people? Is He just issuing a wake-up call? Are we being tested like Job? Are we being rededicated like Peter? Is this a time of refinement or punishment? What part is God playing in all this? Is He there? What does He want us to get out of this?
Through all this, the images remain. They continue to stream across the television, the internet and even reverberate through the airwaves of radio. You cannot live in the U.S. and not get overloaded from this. I have started to go numb once more. Not in a way that is callous or unconcerned. I am just having a hard time processing it and therefore my mind has been shutting me down.
I know that my awakening is coming. The pain will come. The recovery will follow. In some ways it has already begun. It will not be a few hours, days or even weeks. There is such a long way to go. So much to do, so much to change. I must wake up to the absolute call of God to be Christ to others.
I cannot continue to live as I have before. I must see God in the people around me. I must see the poor, the wretched, the alienated, the distressed where they are and actively partipate to improve their situation somehow. I must be Christ when it is hardest for me and not live a hypocritical life. I can no longer be numb to the world around me.
I pray that God Almighty will guide me in life post trauma.
Oh GOD,
As I walk through this life, its struggles and hardships, the victories and celebrations, through the joy and the pain, may I always look to You as my guide and my source. May I seek Your will in my life regardless of the circumstances I may find myself in. Help me to see beyond myself to those who so desperately need You in their lives. Help me to reach to them and touch them for You. Let me be Your hands, feet and loving arms to embrace them. Let Your will be done in my life and let them come to know You. Help me to wake up from my numbness to the world around me, to break free of my selfish existence and truly live for You.
In Jesus' name - Amen